Infidelity
It all begins with an idea.
When Trust Breaks: Infidelity, Attachment, and Finding a Way Forward
Carolyn Kirk Counsellor BSc (Hons) MNCPS, working online and in person in Dorset
Infidelity is probably one of the most painful experiences any of us in relationship can go through. Whether emotional or physical betrayal, secretive messaging and calls or a long-term affair, it breaks the sense of security which is at the heart of trust, which we rely on to feel safe, chosen, and emotionally secure with ‘our person’.
I work with clients who feel devastated in the wake of this uniquely painful form of loss. There’s grief for what they thought they had, and grief for what they sense might never be repaired. We experience lots of other troubling feelings too: confusion, anger, shame, fearfulness, remorse, longing, and often the worry: Was it something in me?
Our partner’s infidelity isn’t evidence that you aren’t enough. It shows that something in the relationship was not being emotionally met, not acknowledged or looked at, and not spoken about. Coming to an understanding of our unmet emotional needs that lie beneath the surface of the troubled relationship can help us understand what went wrong, and find ways of enhancing our relationship with ourselves and others.
The Deeper Roots: Attachment Needs in Adult Relationships
My work with clients is grounded in attachment theory. This is the idea that as adults, just as when we were vulnerable children, we need strong emotional bonds that feel safe and secure. We want to feel seen, loved and supported.
When these needs go unmet for long enough and when we feel emotionally distant, unseen, or rejected, we might begin to protect ourselves in a number of different ways. Some people shut down, others reach out in protest with blame and by shaming their partner, some turn to others for comfort in misguided attempts to soothe deep loneliness. That doesn’t make it right, but it does help us understand what’s going on.
Infidelity isn’t necessarily just about sex. It’s often about emotional connection or the lack of it.
Going Forward
I support people as they explore what infidelity has stirred up, not just in the relationship but, vitally, within their own unique inner worlds. Often old wounds may have been reactivated. Maybe you’ve always feared abandonment. Or you learned early on not to expect consistency or care from others. Maybe you yourself have been the one who has stepped outside the relationship, and now feel the pain of remorse and regret, guilt and confusion, not fully understanding your own choices and unable to communicate what you feel to your partner.
There is no one-size-fits-all path here. Everyone’s story is different. What therapy offers is a map to help you understand the emotional cycles you may have been caught in and potentially find a way to co-create safety and connection again.
A Few Thoughts if You're Experiencing Infidelity at the Moment
You’re not mad or ‘dysfunctional’. Emotional pain is real and completely natural. You’re allowed to feel what you feel.
Your needs matter. If you’re longing for connection, reassurance, or space these are valid needs, they don’t mean you’re weak or lacking something vital.
Understanding is different from excusing. It’s possible to understand why something happened without condoning it. Therapy with a kind and accepting therapist can really support you in understanding that complexity, and can help you move forward.
Attachment styles can shape the way we react. If you're anxiously attached, you might find yourself clinging or obsessing. If you're more avoidant, you might shut down entirely. These aren’t faults, they’re just the self-protective strategies you learned either when you were a child or from being in relationship with someone else who has attachment wounds.
Rebuilding is possible, but not guaranteed. It may not always be the right path for clients. Therapy can help you decide for yourself whatever it is you need to live a happier and more secure life.
Finally…
If you’re reading this feeling sorrow and sadness, anger or upset, I believe that healing is possible with the support of therapy. Whether you want to stay in the relationshipi and work through it, or whether you’re facing the painful task of letting go, you don’t have to do it all alone. I work with individuals experiencing infidelity and betrayal in person from my quiet counselling room in Beaminster, as well as online.
If you're unsure, you're most welcome to get in touch for an initial conversation.