When Trust Breaks: Infidelity, Attachment, and Finding a Way Forward
Carolyn Kirk Counsellor BSc (Hons) MNCPS, working online and in person in Dorset

Infidelity is probably one of the most painful experiences any of us in relationship can go through. Whether emotional or physical betrayal, secretive messaging/calls or a long-term affair, it strikes at the heart of trust, that essential and invisible thread we rely on to feel safe, chosen, and emotionally secure with ‘our person’.

As a counsellor, I often meet clients who feel devastated in the wake of this uniquely painful form of loss. There’s grief for what they thought they had as well as grief for what might never be repaired. But there are lots of other troubling feelings too: confusion, anger, shame, fearfulness, remorse, longing, and often a worrying question: Was it something in me?

The discovery of infidelity is not evidence that you aren’t enough. It shows that something in the relationship - in one or both partners - was not being emotionally met, not spoken aloud, not made safe enough for them to look at.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding the emotional needs that lie beneath the surface of the troubled relationship.

The Deeper Roots: Attachment Needs in Adult Relationships

My work with clients is grounded in attachment theory. This is the idea that as adults, just like children, we need strong emotional bonds that feel safe and secure. We want to feel seen, loved and supported.

When these needs go unmet for long enough and when we feel emotionally distant, unseen, or rejected, we might begin to protect ourselves in a number of different ways. Some people shut down, others reach out in protest with blame and by shaming their partner, some turn to others for comfort in misguided attempts to soothe deep loneliness. That doesn’t make it right, but it does help us understand what’s going on.

Infidelity isn’t necessarily just about sex. It’s often about emotional connection, or the lack of it.

A New Conversation

In counselling, I support people as they explore what infidelity has stirred up, not just in the relationship but, vitally, within their own unique inner worlds. Often old wounds may have been reactivated. Maybe you’ve always feared abandonment. Or you learned early on not to expect consistency or care from others. Maybe you yourself have been the one who has stepped outside the relationship, and now feel the pain of remorse and regret, guilt and confusion, not fully understanding your own choices and unable to communicate what you feel to your partner.

There is no one-size-fits-all path here. Everyone’s story is different. What therapy offers is a map to help you understand the emotional cycles you may have been caught in and potentially find a way to co-create safety and connection again.

A Few Gentle Thoughts if You're Navigating This Experience at the Moment

• You’re not mad or ‘dysfunctional’. Emotional pain is real and completely natural. You’re allowed to feel what you feel.

• Your needs matter. If you’re longing for connection, reassurance, or space these are valid needs, they don’t mean you’re weak or lacking something vital.

• Understanding is different from excusing. It’s possible to understand why something happened without condoning it. Therapy with a kind and accepting therapist can really support you in understanding that complexity, and can help you move forward.

• Attachment styles can shape the way we react. If you're anxiously attached, you might find yourself clinging or obsessing. If you're more avoidant, you might shut down entirely. These aren’t faults, they’re just the self-protective strategies you learned either when you were a child or from being in relationship with someone else who has attachment wounds.

• Rebuilding is possible, but not guaranteed. It may not always be the right path for clients. Therapy can help you decide for yourself whatever it is you need to live a happier and more secure life.

Finally…

If you’re reading this feeling deep sorrow, anger or upset, I believe that healing is possible with commitment and focus. Whether you want to stay and work through it, or whether you’re facing the painful task of letting go, you don’t have to do it all alone. I work with individuals experiencing infidelity and betrayal in person from my quiet counselling room in Beaminster, as well as online.

If you're unsure, you're most welcome to get in touch for an initial conversation.