Infidelity

When Trust Breaks

Infidelity is probably one of the most painful experiences any of us in relationship can go through. Whether emotional or physical betrayal, secretive messaging/calls or a long-term affair, it strikes at the heart of trust, that essential and invisible thread we rely on to feel safe, chosen, and emotionally secure with ‘our person’.

As a counsellor, I often meet clients who feel devastated in the wake of this uniquely painful form of loss. There’s grief for what they thought they had as well as grief for what might never be repaired. But there are lots of other troubling feelings too: confusion, anger, shame, fearfulness, remorse, longing, and often a worrying question: Was it something in me?

The discovery of infidelity is not evidence that you aren’t enough. It shows that something within the relationship - in one or both partners - was not emotionally met, not spoken about, not made safe enough to look at.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding the emotional needs that lie beneath the surface of our troubled relationship.

The Deeper Roots: Attachment Needs in Adult Relationships

My work with clients is grounded in attachment theory. This is the idea that adults, just like babies and children need strong emotional bonds to feel safe and secure. We have a biological/emotional need to feel seen, loved and supported.

When these needs go unmet for long enough and when we feel emotionally distant, unseen, or rejected, we might begin to protect ourselves in a number of different ways.   Some people may simply shut down, others reach out in protest with blame, anger and by shaming their partner;  some turn to other people, looking for comfort in a misguided attempt to soothe deep loneliness. That doesn’t make it right, but it does help us understand what’s going on.

Infidelity isn’t necessarily always just about sex. It’s often about that emotional connection, or the lack of it.

A New Conversation

I support people as they explore what infidelity has stirred up, not just in the relationship but, vitally, within their own unique inner worlds. Often old wounds may have been reactivated. Maybe you’ve always feared abandonment. Or you learned early on not to expect consistency or care from important people in your life.

Maybe you yourself have been the person who has stepped outside the relationship, and now feel perhaps the pain of remorse and regret, of guilt and confusion, not fully understanding your own choices and yet feeling unable to communicate what you feel to your partner.

There is no one-size-fits-all path here. Everyone’s story is unique and different. What therapy offers you is a map to help you understand the emotional cycles you may have been caught in and potentially to find a way to re-create safety and loving connection again.

A Few Gentle Thoughts if You're Navigating This Experience at the Moment

First of all, you’re not mad or ‘dysfunctional’. Emotional pain is very real and completely natural. You’re allowed to feel what you feel.

• Your needs matter. If you’re longing for connection, reassurance, or space these are valid needs, they don’t mean you’re weak or lacking something vital.

• Understanding is different from excusing. It’s possible to understand why something happened without condoning it. Therapy with a kind and accepting therapist can really support you in recognising that complexity in your own relaitonship, and allow you move forward again. 

• Attachment styles can shape the way we react. If you're anxiously attached, you might find yourself clinging or obsessing. If you're more avoidant, you might shut down entirely and distance yourself. These aren’t faults, they’re just the self-protective strategies you learned either when you were a child or from being in relationship with someone else who has attachment wounds.  The difficulty is that without understanding ourselves, these behaviours that are designed to protect us can often end up sabotaging the relationships that are precious to us. 

Finally…

If you’re reading this feeling deep sorrow, anger or upset, I genuinely believe that healing is possible with commitment and focus. Whether you want to stay and work through your relationship issues, or whether you’re facing the painful task of letting go, you don’t have to do it all alone. I work with individuals experiencing infidelity and betrayal in person from my quiet counselling room in Poundbury as well as online.

If you're unsure, you're very welcome to get in touch for an initial conversation.