Intimacy and Self Protection
Why do I relate to my partner the way i do?
We all have a way of relating in close relationships — an instinctive pattern of emotional engagement that influences how near or far we feel it’s comfortable to be. This way of attaching begins early in our life, shaped by how safe, seen and soothed we felt with the people we depended on. Long before we had language for it, our nervous systems learned how to stay emotionally protected.
When things feel difficult, do I move towards closeness or away from it?
Some of us reach for reassurance, contact and connection in order to feel safe. Others can move away from closeness when emotions intensify, finding safety in space, self-reliance or distraction. Both responses are deeply human. Both are attempts to regulate ourselves in the only ways we once knew how.
What happens when two people’s protective instincts don’t fit together?
Difficulties often arise when these styles meet and clash. One person may feel the other is ‘too much’, while the other feels ‘not enough’. One seeks closeness in order to settle, the other seeks distance to breathe. Without awareness, these patterns can quietly create painful cycles of misunderstanding, pursuit and withdrawall even when there is real care and love on both sides.
What happens when intimacy feels uncertain?
Becoming aware of your own attachment style isn’t about labelling yourself or judging your relationships. It’s about gently noticing your inner responses. Do you become anxious and preoccupied? Do you withdraw, feel numb, or grow irritable? Beneath these reactions there is usually both a fear and a longing - a longing for safety, reassurance, freedom, or calm. These patterns are not signs that something is wrong with you. They are adaptations — ways your system learned to cope. And when they are met with compassion rather than judgement, something often begins to soften. In therapy, this awareness unfolds slowly and safely, through curiosity about what gets stirred emotionally and in the body.
What might become possible if I had more choice and less automatic reaction?
Change does not mean becoming someone else. It simply means responding with a little more awareness and flexibility. Someone who habitually clings may begin to find steadiness within themselves. Someone who habitually withdraws may begin to risk emotional closeness with greater ease. Over time, new ways of relating can quietly take root.
Awareness is often the first small step towards change. Therapy offers a space where that awareness can grow into something steadier and more sustaining